angelica

Pud Trip ni Eynjel sa Peyups

2008-03-29T18:58:00.003+08:00

Right now, I have 5 million things to do, and all I do is to blog hehehe..

Kagabi sa isang di sinasadyang pagkakataon eh napadpad ako UP diliman. Wala lang, sumabay ako sa boss ko sa paniniwalang may masasakyan ako mula sa naturang lugar. Laking gulat ko ng sabihin saking wala na plang jeep na byaheng Tandang Sora pag gabi. Kaya dahil ako'y pagod, gutom, at mukhang estudyanteng nawawala, eto ang ginawa ko --> nagfood trip.

Nakakita ako ng kwek kwek. Pakitama ako kung ako ay nagkakamali, pero kwek kwek ang tawag sa malalaking toknene, or vice versa. Ito yung penoy na binalot sa orange na mixture ng itlog, harina, food coloring at germs at pagkatapos ay piniprito (deep fry) sa kumukulong mantika. Naalala ko pa, ito ang paborito naming kainin ng una kong boyfriend ng kami ay mga bubuwit na high school pa lamang sa quesci. Para mas masarap, isawsaw, o isabaw, mo siya sa sukang may sibuyas, bawang, paminta at siling pula. Kung gusto mo na mas maanghang, pwede mo pa siya dagdagan ng siling pula, na siya kong ginawa. Siguro ay limang taon na ang nakalipas mula ng huli akong kumain ng kwek kwek, kaya nagulat ako sa halos dobleng itinaas ng presyo nito. Ang dating limang piso, eh siyam na piso na ngayon. Pambihira. Papasa na siyang pagkain ng mayaman.

Sinunod ko ang fish balls at squid balls sa katabi nitong stall. Alam ko, di mo kailangan mapadpad ng UP para makakita o makatikim ng squid balls, pero sa di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, mula ng nagaral ako sa Baste, eh nawala ang appetite ko para sa fish balls. Parang may fish ball vendor sa UP (na madalas namin kainan ng fish balls noong high school) nagsumpa sa akin na sa naturang lugar lang ako pwedeng kumain nun. Effective! Masarap pala siya, para kong muling natagpuan ang isang pagibig na matagal nawala. Isinawsaw ko sa matamis at maanghang na sauce, hinipan ng konti, SOLVE! Winner talaga ang fish ball ng UP.

Syempre, sa sobrang anghang ng mga kinain ko eh kailangan ko uminom. At dahil gusto ko maging healthy (sinungaling!) eh hindi ako bumili ng coke, pop o ang nauuso ngayon na RC, instead, bumili ako ng isang basong gulaman. Matamis, malasa at malamig na gulaman. Limang piso kada baso, pwede na. Wala talagang tatalo sa pagkain at inuming pinoy.

Isinunod ko ang isaw. Alam kong madaming klase ng isaw, pero mas gusto ko yung isaw na payat, yung isaw ng manok. Mas malasa siya kesa sa isaw ng baboy, sa hindi malamang kadahilanan. Hindi naman sana mas marumi.Pero kahit ano pa man, patok sa panlasa ko ang isaw ng manok, sa presyong pwedeng pwede mong pagsawaan. 2.50/stick. Kahit makalima ka, di masakit sa bulsa.

Medyo ginagabi na ko kaya nagdecide ako umuwi. Pero hindi ng walang baong Ding Dong mixed nuts. Piso isa. Bumili ako ng lima at nginata ko habang lumalakad at nagaabang ng jeep papuntang SM. Huli naman akong nakakain ng ding dong nung huling inom ko kasama ang mga die hard friends and fans ko sa baste,

Kung tutuusin, hindi lang ang mga pagkain ng dahilan kung bakit ako nagbalik tanaw sa mga nabanggit na paglain. Bawat nguya, bawat ngata, may mga tao, lugar, sitwasyon o bagay akong naaalala. Masarap magbalik tanaw, lalo na kung alam mong, sa gunita mo na lamang sila maaring balikan, namnamin, at malasahan.

All the blahs in the world cant put me down (or so i thought)

2008-03-04T14:14:00.000+08:00

Its nice to be back. After almost 2 months of hibernation im finally back to blog anew. sorry if i wasnt able to update last jan and feb as i was having field trips in different hospitals plus i have tons of work to do. Anyway here's a little recap of what happened.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder days before Britney Spears was diagnosed with the same.

--I have been a Britney fan since Baby One More Time ruled the entire universe. So, that explains all the wild things she's been doing. i sincerely believe the disorder is caused by her breakup with justin Timberlake (now, im thinking like a 16yo girl). Well, what can i say? I think she needs a lot of help and a little less paparazzis around. A vacation in the Philippines might help.

I slipped and counterslipped and slipped and counterslipped.........to depression

--yep, things i cannot fully control. I cannot say that i am in full control of my life nowadays. I am under medication (and thank God prozac is not one of them). I have sleeping pills, uppers, downers, sometimes, i wonder what it feels like to be heath ledger.

Hospital Trips!

--3 hospitals, 2 attempts, 1 week. Not as easy as you think, bro. I have experienced all sorts of pain like having a tube stuck in your nose, the needled, the machines, the...well, all the usual hospital stuff, worst part is hospital food. I wonder, when will the next hospital trip be? Im not looking forward to it, though. (I dont plan it!)

Paranoia in my daily to-do list

--Part of having bipolar is the incessant paranoia that something bad will happen. Or, knowing something bad will happen. Hmm, maybe i can pass for a fortune-teller huh?

Loads of enemies

--Well, it didnt start on my end.

Loads and loads of friends

--better kinds of people stick together. so you, off my planet!

My (very first) professional article was published

--grab a copy of ChinaBusiness-Philippines Feb issue. haha! they ought to pay me ad fee for this :) to tell you the truth, i havent read my article until now, for fear of what will face me (im afraid the only line that was retained from the original is the name and title)

if you have been reading my blog or my earlier write-ups, you may notice that it is only now that i get fond of writing in bulleted form. the reason for which is that i find easier to list down my thoughts nowadays, unlike before when i enjoy a fluid way of thinking. I hope that ability comes back.

what a life i've been put on board, let me tell you a secret: bipolar has no cure. meaning i have the posibility to be like this for the rest of my life. No squealing dude, remember, its all in the head :)

For the beginning

2008-01-11T16:47:00.000+08:00

Haay, its the 11th day of january and this is the first entry of my blog. Haay, blame my hectic schedule for it. My personal disease called writer's block, and side effects of prozac. But then again, i only have myself to blame for not giving my baby (my blog) enough time and attention it deserves. I tried to write a few articles for this but i have to rush my book review (for the magazine) and my section assignments ( as of this moment i only finished 2 out of 3) so i had to set them aside or else i would lose my job. Haay, what a cruel world.

Anyways, i intended this first entry for the first month of the year to focus on the things i would force myself to do for 2008. No, its not a new year's resolution as i would not be able to follow them and as early as february im sure i would break them with the first chance i get. So instead of resolutions (which i think was only invented by elementary teachers who have no prepared lessons for the first school day of january), here are the things i would do for this year hehehe

1. I'll try my best not to be late — i know half, or more than half of the nation will rejoice when they hear this. I just realized i am now working and being late is detrimental to my career. But i use tardiness as a political and strategic tool for negotiation (talk about excuses) but now, i dont feel the need to keep my friends waiting so, i'll have to forgo this habit. Hey i said i'll try my best, i have the right to be late sometime when my best is not enough hehe.

2. Get a tattoo — yep, i already have a piercing in my upper left ear, now its time to face my ultimate fear. No, not flying cockroaches (with emphasis on the flying), but needles. I dont have any plans to join any beauty pageants naman eh, (haha) and i dont think any doctor in his right mind would consider me a qualified blood donor. So, i think i dont i am curtailing anyone of their precious right to live if i get one. Target date: March of this year.

3. Talk to people — i have to meet and talk to some people who's opinion matters. This item is very confidential actually, but i'll say it anyway. This will change the course of my life. I am currently on the process of gathering all my guts and my political knowledge and charms (if any) for this. I just need to get this done. Target date: end of January to mid March.

4. Get healed — right now im taking an anti-depressant and im not sure its helping me, but i have to take it because i feel like hell if i dont get a dose of prozac. First reason is its expensive (150/tablet) and the second one is there are side effects (nausea, insomnia) and im afraid of its long term effect on my body. I have to get out of depression quick and fast, thus, item number 5.

5. Start clean with the same man — my friend told me (si dino) that if there is a celebrity i would best qualify to be like, its kris aquino. Intelligent (well, dont you think i need a crash course on humility? hehe), talkative, and highly stupid in terms of relationships (but i dont think i'll ever be afflicted with STD). yeah im not yet over and i dont think i ever will. I know he's done me many sins and so do i. Lets just say that when it comes to love, intelligent people are at their stupidest. No pun intended. I still love him and i dont know if i'll ever cease to do so. I learned my mistakes and i know i can change. I loved tha same person and i only have one man in mind that i want to share the rest of my life with. Haay, i hope things will be ok in the end. because if it wont, then i guess i'll have to take prozac till kingdom come.

6. Go back to school — yeah everythings ok na. Everythings going on as planned and as scheduled. Angel the student will soon be back :)

7. Buy a new phone — i really think i need a new phone, but on the second thought, a new casing will do hehe. Just kidding. By the end of the first quarter i should have a new phone na. I havent yet decided on the make and model, i'll just check out stores na lang muna.

8. Go out and get a life — need i say more?

Lapis

2007-12-31T19:00:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko alam bakit pinagpipilitan ko sa sarili ko na ako ay isang manunulat.

Alam kong walang pera sa propesyong ito. Sabi nga ni kumpareng JY eh, "its a thankless job". Bago ka makagawa ng isang paragraph eh dumaan na sa serious hemorrhage ang utak mo. Makagawa ka man ng isang paragraph, un pangalawa naman ang poproblemahin mo. At ung pangatlo. Ang pinakamalaking challenge eh panong hindi siya mapadpad sa trash bin ng pc mo.

Minsan ko nang naisip na talikuran ang pagsusulat. Ito eh un pagkatapos ng ilang buwan ng depression ko, mga buwan na dalawang beses ko nilaslas ang sarili kong pulso dahil sa lungkot na dala ng madaming bagay. Hindi, hindi lang yun dahil kay dero at dun sa, well, wag na natin banggitin dahil pribado syang tao. Madami pa. Madami.

Ilang buwan na kahit haiku eh hindi ako makaisip. Kahit isang matino at coherent na sentence. Ang hirap nun para sa isang taong nakilala, at nakikipagtalastasan sa pamamagitan ng pagsulat. Naubos ang self-esteem at self-confidence ko noon. Feeling ko, ang bobo ko. Pangit ako. Wala akong kwenta. At wala akong mararating. Yun ang tingin ko sa sarili ko.

Yun ako sa taong iiwanan natin maya-maya lang.

Hanggang ngayon, di pa din ako makagsulat ng matino. Para ulit akong batang nagsisimulang matagpuan ang kanyang sarili. Ang kanyang talento, ang bagay na meron pala siya. Sa ngayon, sa pagsusulat ko binubuhos ang mga oras na wala akong ginagawa. Pagsusulat at pagbabasa. Dun naikot ang buhay ko ngayon. Ang maganda sa pagsulat eh kahit murahin mo pa ang lahat ng tao, walang sasabihin ang papel mo sayo. Hindi ka huhusgahan. Di ka sasabihang baliw, praning, at sira ulo. Malaya ka. Kahit ang isinusulat mu eh tungkol sa sex life ng langgam at bakit hindi sila nagkakahawaan ng STD. Dun ako nagiging ako. Nagiging baliw. Nagwawala. Nagsasaya.

Nawa'y sa isang taon, eh masmatagpuan kong muli ang sarili kong nawala, mabuo kong muli ang mga pangarap kong nasira, at matagpuan kong muli ang pagibig na naglaho.

Isang Maligaya, Maayo, Masaya at NagAALAB na Bagong Taon sayo, kaibigan.

Nang Magkasama si Dino at Angel...

2007-12-31T18:24:00.000+08:00

Hindi ko alam bakit pinipinetensya ko ang sarili ko, eh ayon sa pinakahuli kong pagtingin sa kalendaryo, eh yuletide season ngayon at hindi holy week. Naisip ko na iba talaga ang sipang hatid ng pagkain ng lumang calamares...

Nung Sabado ay muli kaming nagkita ng kapatid ko sa pananampalatayang si dino. May isang taon at kalahati din kaming di nagkita kaya super excited ako ng magkita kami. Pero napawi ang excitement ko ng magkita kami, walang nagbago. Hehe *peace*

Sabihin na nating dahil sa natural na sapak ko sa ulo eh nagkaayaan kaming magpatattoo. Actually, napagkasunduan na namin ito sa text, at agad kaming nagpunta sa recto para hanapin ang tattoo-an na may "picture ni korina sanchez". Dun daw safe dahil sa naturang picture. Hindi ko alam panu naging seal of safety ang litrato ni korina, at siguro naman eh hindi sya nagpatattoo sa naturang lugar. Pero dahil may tiwala ako sa kaibigan ko eh, hinanap na rin namin ang naturang lugar.

Hanap. Hanap. Hanap. Ni anino ni korina eh hindi namin nakita. Kaya nagsettle na lang kami sa may tattoo center sa may baba ng st. Peregrine Badminton Court, sa tabi ng sogo sa cartimar. Dahil dun mukhang pinakamalinis (ung tattoo center) at dun may pinaka"itsura" un tattoo artist. Hehe.

Tinanong ako ng tattoo artist (na itatago natin sa pangalang Kuya Fernie kasi Fernando ang pangalan nya, na hindi ko din pala itatago hehe) kung anung trabaho ko. Sabi ko writer. Kasi, sabi nya, kung sa mall daw ako nagtatrabaho eh bawal daw yun. Napaisip ako, kung sinabi ko nga kayang sa mall ako nagtatrabaho eh hindi nya ko tatattoo-an? Di ba un ay tahasang paglabag sa aking kalayaang magdesisyon kung anu ang gagawin ko sa sarili kong buhay? Pero dahil di ko sinabi eh tinigil ko na ang pagiisip.

Pero sa huli eh hindi na din ako nagpatattoo, nagpabutas na lang ako sa upper left ear ko. At p*** masakit.

Pero maganda.

Si dino ang nagpatattoo, at habang dinodrawingan ang kanyang balat ng karayom na may tinta eh nagpipicture-an pa kami. Mga tao talaga, o mga kabataang praning for this matter, gustong gustong ipakita sa mundo ang mga kagagahan nila sa buhay (hindi si dino, its more of, ako...)

At pagkatapos ng naturang "session", eh nagpunta kaming timog kung saan kami ay naglasing sa dalawang venti na choco frap at 2 kahang yosi. Kwentuhan. Sa buhay. At sa kawalan ng lovelife ng mga taong nabanggit.

Haay...

Siguro, iba nga talaga ako pag ang kasama ko ay ang mga tunay kong kaibigan. Dun ako nakakahinga. Dun ako nakakaiyak at nakakatawa ng sabay. Dun ako nagiging malaya. Walang pakialam sa oras, sa panahon, sa lugar. Sabi nga sa kanta ni pareng Ely, walang pakialam, sa araw at sa buwan.

Masaya ako nung gabing iyon. Kahit sobrang sakit nga kaliwang tenga ko. Masaya ako dahil muli kong nakasama ang isang kaibigang matagal na nawalay sakin. Masaya ako dahil nakahinga akong muli. Naging gaga ako ulit na hindi ko nagawa sa loob ng matagal na panahon, ng walang humuhusgang mata at saradong utak na nakikialam. Masaya ako dahil hindi ako naitali sa konsepto ng tama at mali. Kasama ko ang taong naiintingdinhan ang mga katarantaduhan ko sa buhay. Mula sa pagtataas ko ng paa sa upuan ng starbucks habang mukha na kong pugon sa pagyoyosi, hanggang sa paulit ulit kong pagrereklamo sa masalimuot kong lovelife.

Salamat Dino. Kung may magandang naihatid sa akin ang ALAB, ikaw yon at ang iyong pagkakaibigan. Salamat.

*sa march ay babalik si Dino para sya naman ang magpapabutas ng tenga at ako naman ang magpatattoo.

I wanna be a rockstar...With a TOYM award :)

2007-12-24T15:00:00.000+08:00

I was talking (well, texting) with my friend Coco the other night and our conversation turned to our plans for the future, and it mademe ponder on what i relly want to do with my life. Hmm, well as the song goes, we all wanna be freakin rockstars, but i want mine with a twist, i want a TOYM award with it hehe.

Hmm, directions are easy to create and difficult to follow. I have a plan until i pass the bar exams, but after that, what? Well, who says i'll pass the bar? Hehe, sometimes, i'm frightened that i wont be able to meet my own standards. Like, what if i didnt qualify for this or that? What if i fail this exam or what if my depression strikes again? Well, thank God for blogs, this helped me a lot, knowing that people read my ramblings hehe.

I wanna be famous (who doesnt?). I wanna be known for my writing skills, though i think im still mediocre and i still need a million books to read, billions of articles to pick and gazillion things to ponder on. In God's time, i will get there. I wanna make a difference, like what i said, i wanna leave thi world a better place than when i first found it.

Ambitious? Oh well, we are all entitled to our own private world. Hehe...

By the way, i was talking to another friend Justine (uh, texting again :) about the desperation of the administration to keep their sanity, but the tactics they employ are really disgusting to the core. Justine asked, what will i do if gloria is still in power by 2010, i only have one logical answer in mind.

I'll go underground. Swear.

Stars and Starts

2007-12-24T14:38:00.000+08:00

There are still a few more days left before we finally bid goodbye to 2007 (thank God). This year has been, err, not so good to me, losing your college best friend over something you stupidly did, losing your boyfriend, your party losing in the annual elections, discovering your so-called friends are, well, not your friends, being gossiped, and the list goes on. But hey, there are still some things that i should be thankful of that happened this year, so before I go on with the list of all the deleterious things that happened since day 1 of 2007, let me bring you to the few good, but definitely noteworthy, things that I experienced, gained, learned, in this chaotic year of the Fire Pig.

1. I got a Job that i definitely love- yep, even though its mentally taxing, i love my job, and this is the industry that i want to be in. Working in a magazine definitely gave me the chance to grow, go and glow, literally and figuratively :) i dont care about boxing out every morning to have a space (hahaha) in the mrt, i wont miss the chance to work in this field for the world.

2. Books, books and a lot of books! -- since i already have a job, i promised myself that every payday, i will buy 1 book. the first one i bought is Thus Spake Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzche (which has the same zodiac sign as i do :) which i gave to my best bud Justine (its too deep it wont fit in my reading schedule) and in exchange he gave me a copy of the Wuthering Heights by Charlotte Brontë. On my second payday i bought Veronica Decides to Die by Paolo Coelho. I bought it in the UP tiangge for an unbelievably low price, and its brand new! Beat that :) i also have in my shelf a book lent to me by my favorite professor Mr. Pedro Rabeje Jr., Bridges of Madisson County, Freakonomics and Imelda and the Clans. Yeah, books are priceless to me, and my life-long dream is to own a private library, and im on my way to making it come to reality (ahehehe).Next on my list: Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

3. Lose some, Gain some -- yeah i discovered i had a whole lot of superficial friends, but there are people who never left me in times of pain and suffering and torment. So thank you Justine, Kerwin, Ejjay, Lylwyn, Dino, Coco, Sunshine. Also, my new found friend whom i only met once in person, Dimples, who introduced me to Sandino, my, err, special friend.

4. Lessons Learned -- this might have to be discussed in another entry as i have a very looooooooooong lists under this category, first one is DONT RUSH! Everything will fall into place in the right time, or rather, in God's blessed time. Next is, love with all your heart but don't expect for any reciprocity, you'll just end up getting hurt. Dont get obsessed, for it will be fatal for both parties. And most importantly, learn to love yourself. You cannot give what you dont have, right?

5. Financial stability -- i may not be earning as much as i used to earn in the call center, but i can
say that i am more in control of my finances now than i was back then. I now manage to help my family, buy the things i want to buy, keep a savings account and there is still enough left for my daily allowance. Truly, its not how much you earn, its how much you spend :) so now i only buy the things i need, and do away with the not-so-necessary items. living with my family also helps a lot.

6. My newly revived spirituality -- i now go to mass every Sunday (sometimes in our parish, sometimes in UP). I also managed to wake up at 3am for Simbang Gabi! Too bad i wasn't able to complete it (i missed the 5th due to fact that i woke up late and 6th morning because i was chilling with fever) but nonetheless i enjoy being closer to my creator when i pray.

7. Graduation -- welcome to the real world honey, i already finished my bachelor's degree after four long, happy, tumultuous, chaotic years. Now I'm already a certified political scientist nyahahahaha :) goodbye sir apostol :(

8. Map of my World -- now i know what i want to be, what i will be, what i will do in order to achieve it. This October i will enroll for my masters degree in Political Science, finish it in 2 years, and then fly to Singapore for my masters in Public Policy. Hopefully i pass the scholarship. And then, off to law school. Marriage can wait. But that wont mean I wont entertain boyfriends hahaha joke. I wanna have a long and stable and steady relationship.

9. I spoke to my IDOL!!! -- Randy David, no less. I never thought a man as important and as intelligent as he is would waste time answering my email. And when he did, my respect for him only grew more. See you in UP Idol :)

10. I'm still alive! -- after all the heartbreaks and heartaches and suicide attempts, thank God I'm still alive and breathing. Like what Friedrich Nietzche said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so i guess i'm stronger now, not to mention wiser, and more patient. i now know how to wait.

11. I'm now part of the royal El Consejo De Los Dioses (hahahahaha) -- being an alumni of my only party Ang Lakas at Boses ng mga Sebastino, i am now a proud and active member of the said group hahahaha with the rank of a goddess hahahahahahahahahahahaha

What a year that was...

Still, after everything that happened, i only have GOD to thank for all the blessings despite the many crazy and stupid things i've done in '07. Right now, i can't outrightly say that i am bursting with happiness, but i'm happy enough to face a new day and not happy enough not to search for new surprises, adventure and challenges, personal or otherwise. I think i have to go back to my old self, the Angel who is not afraid to take risks and not afraid of getting hurt and burned. I think i'm in the process of being so.

Like what luz irigaray, a feminist philosopher,said, "we must remain virginal." Meaning, we should allow ourselves to experience something for the first time, allow ourselves to be surprised once in a while, allow ourselves to be kids when we feel like it. Life has full of surprises, and many of it is for you. So go ahead and prove that your tougher than tough! Because that is my next personal assignment :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to ALL!!!

I changed my SIM card

2007-12-24T14:35:00.000+08:00

Changing my number has always been a very difficult job for me to do. As always, i base my number to the person i have a romantic relationship with, the network i subscribe to and to what most of the people in my surroundings use. I am afraid to be alone, and my cell phone has always been my only way of communicating to the world. It has proved to be indispensable to me, i have grown dependent to that piece of metal that allows me to converse with the world. It has been my constant companion in the happiest and the most intoxicating moments of my life. My globe number has become my identity, i was it, and it was me.

But i decided to change my number, temporarily, though.

And with that decision is an overwhelming fear of being unknown again. The fear that other people wont be able to reach me. The fear of being alone and desolate. Its almost the same intensity as that fear of death. I am afraid of being alone. Of being detached, of being transcendent. I am afraid.

It was at that point where I am entering another world, apart from my past. Away from the lingering hope that the text i so long to come will arrive. Changing my number is tantamount to giving up that one scintilla of trust that i will receive what he promised to give me.

A pang of guilt hurts my chest as i remove my old sim card from my phone, and replace it with a new one. Its like turning my back completely from my past. Closing its doors, and forget it forever. With my new number comes a new day, a new future, a new way of seeing things. A new world, a cacophony of new experiences, with new people to meet, new lovers to love, new places to go.

Letting go, either of a person, place, experience or a thing is always hard. Most especially if that one thing your struggling to let go of is something that has been deeply etched in your life. Its like cutting off a limb from your body. But sometimes, even if its a gargantuan task to do, accepting reality is less painful than fighting for what you imagined it to be. Life is every bit complicated, solutions aren't so simple, but goodbye's the only way.

Crap, how am i suppose to deal with it?

Life goes on, whether i want it or not, whether i accept it or not, whether i catch up with it or not. The sun will rise and set without a care if you are suffering or jumping with joy. Everything is transcendental. Acceptance is the only solution perhaps, but it doesn't guarantee healing or freedom from pain or anguish. It doesn't guarantee immunity from future heartaches and heartbreaks. All it assures you is it will give you a temporary solace from the hopefully temporary torture you're in.

God i miss him.

Though i know i should not, i have no right to miss him, i have no reason to miss him, and loving him would be downright pointless. Even pointblankly stupid. But who cares? The world never showed itself when i was crying in pain, who are they to judge me if i still continue to love that person even if he doesn't love me?

Now i know i already know how to love, and to love unconditionally, without any qualms, any hesitations, ant questions, any reservations. I know i already learned how to love with all my heart and with everything i can offer. I know that now, i am in pain, but its just another proof of newton's law, that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, what goes around comes around, that what goes up, must come down. The law of gravity. I loved intensely, and now I'm suffering with the same intensity.

At nonce, I am still trying to pick myself up from where i fell. Its a tedious job, I'm telling you, standing from being slumped face down, but i have to do it nonetheless. And changing my number is a step i have to take in order for me to accept that tomorrow is a long standing journey of the unknown that i have to embark, alone. And that yesterday, no matter how glorious, no matter how painful, will pass and will be part of a distant past that one day i will only look back in memory. Try to love, try to laugh, try to live, its all part of a dynamic force which we are powerless to stop.

Almost Famous hahahaha

2007-12-24T14:29:00.000+08:00

Some students from my former school had a project and i think out of desperation they chose this blogger to be interviewed for their school work. So even if i think i still have a lot to learn, and a lot of roads to travel and lots of advice to take, I accepted their, err, invitation for interview. Here is the transcript of the interview, wala lang just want to share hehe...At goodluck talaga sa project nila :)

1. How do you choose a topic for your editorial?
What's hot and what's in. And most especially, what is currently needed by thsociety today. Editorial is a way of encouraging people to stand up and move.

2. What are your guidelines in writing the editorial?
it must be truthful, factual and must be within the bounds of journalism ethics bust should not be confined to safety. Be brave in writing what you think is right, timely and correct. Remember, you are not there to incite ands think for other people, you're writing to FORCE people to think and act.

3. Does the publisher have any say on the editorial?
There are publications wherein the publisher has a say as to what theeditorial is about, but not in our magazine.

4. Do you have any experiences in writing any controversial editorial pieces?
when i was in college, yes.

5. Who approves the editorial?
The editor in chief approves the editorial.

6. Do you have any experience on libel?
None so far, but maybe in the next ten years or so :) joke...There are ways to write controversial stuff and get away unscathed. The only thing you need to remember is, if you are writing or telling the truth, you need not be scared of a thousand, even a million libel cases :) and there are always counter charges hehehe

LONG TERM GOAL:
To serve my country through law, journalism, and education (i wanna teach in a university or college). That when i die, i can say to myself that i will leave this country in a better state than when i first found it.

SHORT TERM GOAL:
To pursue my masters degree in UP this october 2008 (i cant make it by first sem i'll be leaving the country), enter UP law school, and be famous for my craft, not necessarily rich (lolz) but i wanna be known and respected in the media industry, like my idol Randy David and Conrado de Quiros.

How to improve your writing skills:
I have asked the same question to Randy David, as well as scores of other people, including my EIC, and i always get the same answer: read, read, READ! and read not with your eyes only, but with your brain and with your heart. Any reading material you can get your hands into, read it. Remember any book has something in them that you still dont know. I have nothing against sweet valley or tagalog novels, but dont read them hehe. Try reading Paolo Coelho or Mitch Albom for beginners, Friedrich Nietzche, Robert Greene, Lino Brocka and NVM Gonzales and F. Sionil Jose. You have no other way to improve your writing skills but to read. First notice the style and then the content and message of the writer. NO SHOWBIZ MATERIALS PLEASE! remember, thrash in, thrash out :)
Note: GEt a copy of Rainier Maria Rilke's Letter to a Young POet.

Message:
Rizal liberated the country through his pen and not by granting a tv interview. Journalism is a craft that can only be embarked by a few courageous and brave people. So take on the challenge. Your country is waiting for you. Who knows, it will be your article that will change the course of this country, which as i see it, is going to moral, economic, and political oblivion.

---haha hope you get something sensible out of it----

Hello

2007-12-07T20:22:00.000+08:00

Hi, its been 3 weeks, 6 days and 14 hours since we last turn our backs on each other. i decided not to call you, nor text you since then, and you have done the same. To say that i don't miss you would be an outrageous lie. And to say that i ceased loving you would be highly risible.

It was really accidental, our relationship is. I never really intended to love you at the beginning of our relationship, and you know that. i don't know where and when along the way did i start loving you. all i know is that i told you all my secrets, you were there in the most stringent moments of my life. Before i knew it, we were sharing lives. I knew your story as well as you knew mine. We were happy. We were contented. We were in love. and we seem to be happy about it. You promised me that were gonna get married. You promised be that you wont say goodbye. you promised that you will never leave. And i believed you. Up until this very moment, i am hanging on to that promise. That you will come back and tell me you still love me. I'm still waiting for my fairy tale to resume.

Good things end, they say, and i was a victim of that harsh reality. Suddenly, your not the man who promised me the rainbow. It came gradual, though. I don't say i am faultless, after all it takes two to tango. If only i could turn back time, i would have done a thousand more things, and undo a couple thousands more. I know you didn't like it when i texted your female classmate in the wee hours of the night. But cant you understand what suspicion it arouses when a man hides her phone from her girlfriend? Moreover the fact that this particular girl sends you messages in the unholy hours of the day is enough to blow anybody nuts. The message content regardless. I know you don't like it when i text other guys, but hey, these guys are people you know, they were your brods, and i don't flirt on text as you always said i do. And besides, they know you, and our relationship is known to everyone, i wouldn't be a fool to fool around with a guy you know. I'm not that kind of girl.

I miss you. From the way you smell after your workout, to the way you say "i love you mahal", to the way you request shampoo from the bathroom because you left it outside. I miss the way you text, even your cruel jokes, the way we laugh at some silly scene on tv, the way we fight as to who paid on our last date, to the way you shiver like a 10 year old kid on the night when we thought you have dengue. I miss a million and one things about you, and its a million and one things I'm not willing to let go. I can never let you go.

I don't know what the silence on your part means, and why i feel you're letting me go way too easily. Is it because the love you had for me has died? You said you have many problems, and i know many of those were caused by me. What i don't understand is why does it all have to end this way. You said you're letting me go, but asked me not to go too far so you can reach me after the storm in your life is over. I won't go anywhere. Heck, I cant even move.

Three weeks, and it feels like a lifetime. Every time my phone rings, i am always half wishing it was you. But it seems like you're decided to cut things off. And i thought, i can do that, too. I deleted all our pictures on my phone, all your messages that I've kept since time immemorial, i even had your number erased in my phone directory. I tried so hard to tell myself that your gone. I tried to start living a brand new life away from you, or the memories of you. But every time i do that, the universe conspires to remind me of you. I think i just have to admit that i can't get over you.

How many times i stopped myself from going to your house were as many as the times i cried myself to sleep, asking why a situation as painful as this happen to me. i wish i you would listen to my words that might heal the wounds, i wish you would look at me and see the loneliness and emptiness in my eyes. I need you, its shameful to admit that i still want you. True, i can have as many replacements as i want, any time, any way, any how. But they will never fill the crater you created in my heart.

I don't know what will i tell you when we meet. How will i be able to begin the conversation i was waiting for for weeks. What exact words i will utter to bring you back. How will i hold back the tears from falling from my eyes. How will i prevent myself from holding you. But right now, i just want to talk to you, and i just want you back.

Three weeks, and I'm still hurting.

Three weeks, and I'm still crying.

I'm trying my best to save this relationship. i don't want us to end this way. its not the way we planned it to be. And i wont let it happen. I love you too much to let you go. Its a fact that i will never be able to live with. I'm still waiting for you to deliver the promise that you'll love me forever, and you will never leave no matter what. I'm still waiting for you to come and tell me the worst is over, and we can continue our plans. I'm waiting for you to come back. I'm waiting for you to resume loving me.

Right now, I could crash and burn, there are a dozen unwholesome things i have thought of doing, but i know it wont help. I'm sick of crying but no amount of happy thoughts can stop my tears from falling. Most especially most of my happy thoughts were related to you. It just brings more memories, more pain, more hurt.

I am not angry with you, much as i want to. Much as i tell myself its the most logical thing to feel. But i can't. After all that we've been through, after all the things we did to each other, i cant afford to get angry. I forgive you for all your shortcomings, and i hope you find it in your heart to forgive mine.

I love you. I love you then and i love you still. I hope this madness ends. I hope that as i am writing this, you are thinking of me, too. I hope you miss me the same way as i miss you. I hope we were looking at the same spot in the sky. I hope what you see right at this very moment remind you of me. I hope you still remember that you love me. For I do.

Uncivil War

2007-12-07T20:10:00.000+08:00

If there’s a film that goes right into my favorites list without I even watching it, then it would be V for Vendetta. I find it amusing that the Arroyo government allowed the viewing of this film in the country, which would put GMA a notch, no, half a notch higher than the late great dictator Ferdinand Marcos (the banning of the Voltez V, remember aunts and uncles?)

Let me share to you the speech of V when he hijacked the national television channel and delivered the creepy yet must read discourse:

“Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of everyday routine—the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration, thereby those important events of the past usually associated with someone’s death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, a celebration of a nice holiday, I thought we could mark this November the 5th, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat. There are of course those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now, orders are being shouted into telephones, and men with guns will soon be on their way. Why? Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this country, isn’t there? Cruelty and injustice, intolerance and oppression. And where once you had the freedom to object, to think and speak as you saw fit, you now have censors and systems of surveillance coercing your conformity and soliciting your submission. How did this happen? Who’s to blame? Well certainly there are those more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable, but again truth be told, if you’re looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror. I know why you did it. I know you were afraid. Who wouldn’t be? War, terror, disease. There were a myriad of problems which conspired to corrupt your reason and rob you of your common sense. Fear got the best of you, and in your panic you turned to the now high chancellor, Adam Sutler. He promised you order, he promised you peace, and all he demanded in return was your silent, obedient consent. Last night I sought to end that silence. Last night I destroyed the Old Bailey, to remind this country of what it has forgotten. More than four hundred years ago a great citizen wished to embed the fifth of November forever in our memory. His hope was to remind the world that fairness, justice and freedom are more than words, they are perspectives. So if you’ve seen nothing, if the crimes of this government remain unknown to you then I would suggest you allow the fifth of November to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek, then I ask you to stand beside me one year from tonight, outside the gates of Parliament, and together we shall give them a fifth of November that shall never, ever, be forgot.”

Have I been Trillanes, or have I became her wife, or adviser, or mother, I would have advised him to watch the film first. I’m not saying that he should have hijacked channel 4, heck no one will be able to watch him unless he aired in the time slot of the Philippine lotto draw. Nor am I saying that I know better than him and General Lim. In fact, I salute them for what they did in the bleary Thursday afternoon in the posh Peninsula Manila. But it would have helped if they skipped the drama and went head on to the action.

Being able to see how this administration regard people, from the way they handled the media in the incident at the Pen, to reading the chilling Alston Report (believe me its more scary than having Sadako play "pitik bulag" in front of you), I think its time for an action as drastic as the solution V suggests. This country is being weighed down by the “civil” and the “good” and the “beautiful” and the “peaceful”. Many people are hungry. Many people are desperate. Many people are dying, either from hunger or from the guns of the military. It is not civil, it is not good, it is not beautiful and definitely not peaceful. I am angry. I am angry that people did not respond to the call of Trillanes et al. A friend, a university professor and former classmate Coco said, its not yet time. But if not now, when? If not us, who? If not here, where? I think those questions shall be answered, not tomorrow, not next week, but NOW.

The future is unforgiving as it is uncompromising. Act now, or media people like me, or professors like Coco and Mr. Rabeje, or farmers like the Sumilao marchers, or children like Gelo may not be able to see what the day called “future” looks like.

We need a Guy Fawkes here in our country, and I hope this time, no one saves the Queen.

(Special thanks to Manuel Quezon III, where I got the speech of V on his PDI article “Save the Day”.)

“Remember, remember, the fifth of November, gunpowder, treason, and plot,”

Canonball

2007-12-06T20:41:00.001+08:00

just want to share a song...damien rice's canonball. it explains everything that i feel, why i cant go on..just change the her to him and you'll know what's going on. enjoy

there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lielife taught me to die
so its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..
stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage, teach me to be shy
'cos its not hard to fall,and I don't want to scare her
its not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
its not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

Parity and Disparity

2007-12-06T20:16:00.000+08:00

I wanna be the next First Lady of the Philippines.

Yes, I'm not eyeing the presidency, but being the land's First Lady instead.

Being a woman, who has seen, at least for my age, more than enough of what common people call politics, i have changed my plans and dreams from being the chief executive to being the chief executive's wife.

I finished political science form a very conservative school. I have seen and experienced politics and all its perks and peeves. I have talked and smiled and conversed with people just to get votes. I have been a campus politician. I could have been my school's student government president, but because of the patriarchal society my school has, and because, according to my party's political advisers, having a female presidential candidate is not a good idea, i settled for a Vice Presidential position. Instead, they gave me the chairmanship of the party, where i still had to battle gender issues in terms of leadership.

If there's one thing i am sure of what i will be in the future,its the fact that i will be a politician someday. Be it in the local or national level. And if there's one thing i have learned, and learned the hard way, it is the lesson that no woman, or female leader can get the same respect as that of a man.

They have said that were already in an era where women are regarded as men's equal. But up until now, that statement can only exist in theory. History and current events will prove me right. Look at this hellhole that we Filipinos call our country. Look at the way we treat our female president. I'm not saying that I am happy with what's happening in her administration, i am not saying that i approve her many political blunders. In fact, i am enraged by the series of pardons she gave to the two most undeserving people on earth to be pardoned (a man who called himself President and a former soldier who allowed himself to take part in the country's most outrageous cover up -- the Aquino-Galman double murder case). I am angered that this administration treats us Filipinos like kindergartens. I am afraid that time will come and i will have to wake up and find out that Martial Law has taken over my beloved country again. I am definitely not convinced that the Glorietta bombing is a product of collective feces and body waste. I have doubts that there is only one target in the Batasan bombing. I blame the government for Marianet Amper's suicide. There are a thousand, if not hundreds of thousand things that I want to hold this administration accountable for. But i don't think that even if they reach a million, or beyond, it does not, and will not justify the way we treat our female president. Ramos has his own blunders too, and so is Erap, who's probably got a million more. But why on earth am i only seeing this kind of disrespect for a president as we do to Gloria Macapagal Arroyo? There can only be one answer, and I'm afraid that it's so simple and obvious, its a fact that cant be changed.

I'm not living under a rock as to know that there are successful female leaders who walked in this planet. Catherine the Great, is of course, great, but after having to deal with the problems great use of her body and dangling the idea of marriage to her men. Wu Chao, the "Divine Empress Who Rules the Universe," of the T'ang dynasty, had to use her body, her intelligence, and employed the use of murder, cunning and deceit in order to achieve her status as empress. Learning through history and experience, a male chairman can achieve great things through his mind and speech. But a woman who wants to achieve more, needs more. A good brain is not enough. She needs her brains and body, cunning and deceit, conscience regardless, in pursuit of that ambition called greatness and success.

Living in reality is a requirement in order for one not be disappointed over and over. Nobody respects a female leader. That's a fact. We are still living in a chauvinistic society whereby no matter how many times we women prove that we are as capable, or more capable, than men are, we just cant get to the same level as they have. we may get near, but we'll never get there.

As Aldous Huxley has said. maybe this world is another planet's hell. He forgot to add, however, that this world is another planet's hell for women.

Maybe one day this world will treat both sexes in equal terms. Maybe one day this country will respect female in the same way as they regard their male leaders. Maybe one day our fatherland will treat her daughters the way he treats his sons. But until that day is yet to come, my dream well not change. I wont fantasize about being the country's president until I'm sure that i will have the people's complete respect and regard.

For now, my only problem is finding my man who wants to be the president.