Pud Trip ni Eynjel sa Peyups

Right now, I have 5 million things to do, and all I do is to blog hehehe..

Kagabi sa isang di sinasadyang pagkakataon eh napadpad ako UP diliman. Wala lang, sumabay ako sa boss ko sa paniniwalang may masasakyan ako mula sa naturang lugar. Laking gulat ko ng sabihin saking wala na plang jeep na byaheng Tandang Sora pag gabi. Kaya dahil ako'y pagod, gutom, at mukhang estudyanteng nawawala, eto ang ginawa ko --> nagfood trip.

Nakakita ako ng kwek kwek. Pakitama ako kung ako ay nagkakamali, pero kwek kwek ang tawag sa malalaking toknene, or vice versa. Ito yung penoy na binalot sa orange na mixture ng itlog, harina, food coloring at germs at pagkatapos ay piniprito (deep fry) sa kumukulong mantika. Naalala ko pa, ito ang paborito naming kainin ng una kong boyfriend ng kami ay mga bubuwit na high school pa lamang sa quesci. Para mas masarap, isawsaw, o isabaw, mo siya sa sukang may sibuyas, bawang, paminta at siling pula. Kung gusto mo na mas maanghang, pwede mo pa siya dagdagan ng siling pula, na siya kong ginawa. Siguro ay limang taon na ang nakalipas mula ng huli akong kumain ng kwek kwek, kaya nagulat ako sa halos dobleng itinaas ng presyo nito. Ang dating limang piso, eh siyam na piso na ngayon. Pambihira. Papasa na siyang pagkain ng mayaman.

Sinunod ko ang fish balls at squid balls sa katabi nitong stall. Alam ko, di mo kailangan mapadpad ng UP para makakita o makatikim ng squid balls, pero sa di maipaliwanag na pangyayari, mula ng nagaral ako sa Baste, eh nawala ang appetite ko para sa fish balls. Parang may fish ball vendor sa UP (na madalas namin kainan ng fish balls noong high school) nagsumpa sa akin na sa naturang lugar lang ako pwedeng kumain nun. Effective! Masarap pala siya, para kong muling natagpuan ang isang pagibig na matagal nawala. Isinawsaw ko sa matamis at maanghang na sauce, hinipan ng konti, SOLVE! Winner talaga ang fish ball ng UP.

Syempre, sa sobrang anghang ng mga kinain ko eh kailangan ko uminom. At dahil gusto ko maging healthy (sinungaling!) eh hindi ako bumili ng coke, pop o ang nauuso ngayon na RC, instead, bumili ako ng isang basong gulaman. Matamis, malasa at malamig na gulaman. Limang piso kada baso, pwede na. Wala talagang tatalo sa pagkain at inuming pinoy.

Isinunod ko ang isaw. Alam kong madaming klase ng isaw, pero mas gusto ko yung isaw na payat, yung isaw ng manok. Mas malasa siya kesa sa isaw ng baboy, sa hindi malamang kadahilanan. Hindi naman sana mas marumi.Pero kahit ano pa man, patok sa panlasa ko ang isaw ng manok, sa presyong pwedeng pwede mong pagsawaan. 2.50/stick. Kahit makalima ka, di masakit sa bulsa.

Medyo ginagabi na ko kaya nagdecide ako umuwi. Pero hindi ng walang baong Ding Dong mixed nuts. Piso isa. Bumili ako ng lima at nginata ko habang lumalakad at nagaabang ng jeep papuntang SM. Huli naman akong nakakain ng ding dong nung huling inom ko kasama ang mga die hard friends and fans ko sa baste,

Kung tutuusin, hindi lang ang mga pagkain ng dahilan kung bakit ako nagbalik tanaw sa mga nabanggit na paglain. Bawat nguya, bawat ngata, may mga tao, lugar, sitwasyon o bagay akong naaalala. Masarap magbalik tanaw, lalo na kung alam mong, sa gunita mo na lamang sila maaring balikan, namnamin, at malasahan.

All the blahs in the world cant put me down (or so i thought)

Its nice to be back. After almost 2 months of hibernation im finally back to blog anew. sorry if i wasnt able to update last jan and feb as i was having field trips in different hospitals plus i have tons of work to do. Anyway here's a little recap of what happened.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder days before Britney Spears was diagnosed with the same.

--I have been a Britney fan since Baby One More Time ruled the entire universe. So, that explains all the wild things she's been doing. i sincerely believe the disorder is caused by her breakup with justin Timberlake (now, im thinking like a 16yo girl). Well, what can i say? I think she needs a lot of help and a little less paparazzis around. A vacation in the Philippines might help.

I slipped and counterslipped and slipped and counterslipped.........to depression

--yep, things i cannot fully control. I cannot say that i am in full control of my life nowadays. I am under medication (and thank God prozac is not one of them). I have sleeping pills, uppers, downers, sometimes, i wonder what it feels like to be heath ledger.

Hospital Trips!

--3 hospitals, 2 attempts, 1 week. Not as easy as you think, bro. I have experienced all sorts of pain like having a tube stuck in your nose, the needled, the machines, the...well, all the usual hospital stuff, worst part is hospital food. I wonder, when will the next hospital trip be? Im not looking forward to it, though. (I dont plan it!)

Paranoia in my daily to-do list

--Part of having bipolar is the incessant paranoia that something bad will happen. Or, knowing something bad will happen. Hmm, maybe i can pass for a fortune-teller huh?

Loads of enemies

--Well, it didnt start on my end.

Loads and loads of friends

--better kinds of people stick together. so you, off my planet!

My (very first) professional article was published

--grab a copy of ChinaBusiness-Philippines Feb issue. haha! they ought to pay me ad fee for this :) to tell you the truth, i havent read my article until now, for fear of what will face me (im afraid the only line that was retained from the original is the name and title)

if you have been reading my blog or my earlier write-ups, you may notice that it is only now that i get fond of writing in bulleted form. the reason for which is that i find easier to list down my thoughts nowadays, unlike before when i enjoy a fluid way of thinking. I hope that ability comes back.

what a life i've been put on board, let me tell you a secret: bipolar has no cure. meaning i have the posibility to be like this for the rest of my life. No squealing dude, remember, its all in the head :)

For the beginning

Haay, its the 11th day of january and this is the first entry of my blog. Haay, blame my hectic schedule for it. My personal disease called writer's block, and side effects of prozac. But then again, i only have myself to blame for not giving my baby (my blog) enough time and attention it deserves. I tried to write a few articles for this but i have to rush my book review (for the magazine) and my section assignments ( as of this moment i only finished 2 out of 3) so i had to set them aside or else i would lose my job. Haay, what a cruel world.

Anyways, i intended this first entry for the first month of the year to focus on the things i would force myself to do for 2008. No, its not a new year's resolution as i would not be able to follow them and as early as february im sure i would break them with the first chance i get. So instead of resolutions (which i think was only invented by elementary teachers who have no prepared lessons for the first school day of january), here are the things i would do for this year hehehe

1. I'll try my best not to be late — i know half, or more than half of the nation will rejoice when they hear this. I just realized i am now working and being late is detrimental to my career. But i use tardiness as a political and strategic tool for negotiation (talk about excuses) but now, i dont feel the need to keep my friends waiting so, i'll have to forgo this habit. Hey i said i'll try my best, i have the right to be late sometime when my best is not enough hehe.

2. Get a tattoo — yep, i already have a piercing in my upper left ear, now its time to face my ultimate fear. No, not flying cockroaches (with emphasis on the flying), but needles. I dont have any plans to join any beauty pageants naman eh, (haha) and i dont think any doctor in his right mind would consider me a qualified blood donor. So, i think i dont i am curtailing anyone of their precious right to live if i get one. Target date: March of this year.

3. Talk to people — i have to meet and talk to some people who's opinion matters. This item is very confidential actually, but i'll say it anyway. This will change the course of my life. I am currently on the process of gathering all my guts and my political knowledge and charms (if any) for this. I just need to get this done. Target date: end of January to mid March.

4. Get healed — right now im taking an anti-depressant and im not sure its helping me, but i have to take it because i feel like hell if i dont get a dose of prozac. First reason is its expensive (150/tablet) and the second one is there are side effects (nausea, insomnia) and im afraid of its long term effect on my body. I have to get out of depression quick and fast, thus, item number 5.

5. Start clean with the same man — my friend told me (si dino) that if there is a celebrity i would best qualify to be like, its kris aquino. Intelligent (well, dont you think i need a crash course on humility? hehe), talkative, and highly stupid in terms of relationships (but i dont think i'll ever be afflicted with STD). yeah im not yet over and i dont think i ever will. I know he's done me many sins and so do i. Lets just say that when it comes to love, intelligent people are at their stupidest. No pun intended. I still love him and i dont know if i'll ever cease to do so. I learned my mistakes and i know i can change. I loved tha same person and i only have one man in mind that i want to share the rest of my life with. Haay, i hope things will be ok in the end. because if it wont, then i guess i'll have to take prozac till kingdom come.

6. Go back to school — yeah everythings ok na. Everythings going on as planned and as scheduled. Angel the student will soon be back :)

7. Buy a new phone — i really think i need a new phone, but on the second thought, a new casing will do hehe. Just kidding. By the end of the first quarter i should have a new phone na. I havent yet decided on the make and model, i'll just check out stores na lang muna.

8. Go out and get a life — need i say more?

Lapis

Hindi ko alam bakit pinagpipilitan ko sa sarili ko na ako ay isang manunulat.

Alam kong walang pera sa propesyong ito. Sabi nga ni kumpareng JY eh, "its a thankless job". Bago ka makagawa ng isang paragraph eh dumaan na sa serious hemorrhage ang utak mo. Makagawa ka man ng isang paragraph, un pangalawa naman ang poproblemahin mo. At ung pangatlo. Ang pinakamalaking challenge eh panong hindi siya mapadpad sa trash bin ng pc mo.

Minsan ko nang naisip na talikuran ang pagsusulat. Ito eh un pagkatapos ng ilang buwan ng depression ko, mga buwan na dalawang beses ko nilaslas ang sarili kong pulso dahil sa lungkot na dala ng madaming bagay. Hindi, hindi lang yun dahil kay dero at dun sa, well, wag na natin banggitin dahil pribado syang tao. Madami pa. Madami.

Ilang buwan na kahit haiku eh hindi ako makaisip. Kahit isang matino at coherent na sentence. Ang hirap nun para sa isang taong nakilala, at nakikipagtalastasan sa pamamagitan ng pagsulat. Naubos ang self-esteem at self-confidence ko noon. Feeling ko, ang bobo ko. Pangit ako. Wala akong kwenta. At wala akong mararating. Yun ang tingin ko sa sarili ko.

Yun ako sa taong iiwanan natin maya-maya lang.

Hanggang ngayon, di pa din ako makagsulat ng matino. Para ulit akong batang nagsisimulang matagpuan ang kanyang sarili. Ang kanyang talento, ang bagay na meron pala siya. Sa ngayon, sa pagsusulat ko binubuhos ang mga oras na wala akong ginagawa. Pagsusulat at pagbabasa. Dun naikot ang buhay ko ngayon. Ang maganda sa pagsulat eh kahit murahin mo pa ang lahat ng tao, walang sasabihin ang papel mo sayo. Hindi ka huhusgahan. Di ka sasabihang baliw, praning, at sira ulo. Malaya ka. Kahit ang isinusulat mu eh tungkol sa sex life ng langgam at bakit hindi sila nagkakahawaan ng STD. Dun ako nagiging ako. Nagiging baliw. Nagwawala. Nagsasaya.

Nawa'y sa isang taon, eh masmatagpuan kong muli ang sarili kong nawala, mabuo kong muli ang mga pangarap kong nasira, at matagpuan kong muli ang pagibig na naglaho.

Isang Maligaya, Maayo, Masaya at NagAALAB na Bagong Taon sayo, kaibigan.

Nang Magkasama si Dino at Angel...

Hindi ko alam bakit pinipinetensya ko ang sarili ko, eh ayon sa pinakahuli kong pagtingin sa kalendaryo, eh yuletide season ngayon at hindi holy week. Naisip ko na iba talaga ang sipang hatid ng pagkain ng lumang calamares...

Nung Sabado ay muli kaming nagkita ng kapatid ko sa pananampalatayang si dino. May isang taon at kalahati din kaming di nagkita kaya super excited ako ng magkita kami. Pero napawi ang excitement ko ng magkita kami, walang nagbago. Hehe *peace*

Sabihin na nating dahil sa natural na sapak ko sa ulo eh nagkaayaan kaming magpatattoo. Actually, napagkasunduan na namin ito sa text, at agad kaming nagpunta sa recto para hanapin ang tattoo-an na may "picture ni korina sanchez". Dun daw safe dahil sa naturang picture. Hindi ko alam panu naging seal of safety ang litrato ni korina, at siguro naman eh hindi sya nagpatattoo sa naturang lugar. Pero dahil may tiwala ako sa kaibigan ko eh, hinanap na rin namin ang naturang lugar.

Hanap. Hanap. Hanap. Ni anino ni korina eh hindi namin nakita. Kaya nagsettle na lang kami sa may tattoo center sa may baba ng st. Peregrine Badminton Court, sa tabi ng sogo sa cartimar. Dahil dun mukhang pinakamalinis (ung tattoo center) at dun may pinaka"itsura" un tattoo artist. Hehe.

Tinanong ako ng tattoo artist (na itatago natin sa pangalang Kuya Fernie kasi Fernando ang pangalan nya, na hindi ko din pala itatago hehe) kung anung trabaho ko. Sabi ko writer. Kasi, sabi nya, kung sa mall daw ako nagtatrabaho eh bawal daw yun. Napaisip ako, kung sinabi ko nga kayang sa mall ako nagtatrabaho eh hindi nya ko tatattoo-an? Di ba un ay tahasang paglabag sa aking kalayaang magdesisyon kung anu ang gagawin ko sa sarili kong buhay? Pero dahil di ko sinabi eh tinigil ko na ang pagiisip.

Pero sa huli eh hindi na din ako nagpatattoo, nagpabutas na lang ako sa upper left ear ko. At p*** masakit.

Pero maganda.

Si dino ang nagpatattoo, at habang dinodrawingan ang kanyang balat ng karayom na may tinta eh nagpipicture-an pa kami. Mga tao talaga, o mga kabataang praning for this matter, gustong gustong ipakita sa mundo ang mga kagagahan nila sa buhay (hindi si dino, its more of, ako...)

At pagkatapos ng naturang "session", eh nagpunta kaming timog kung saan kami ay naglasing sa dalawang venti na choco frap at 2 kahang yosi. Kwentuhan. Sa buhay. At sa kawalan ng lovelife ng mga taong nabanggit.

Haay...

Siguro, iba nga talaga ako pag ang kasama ko ay ang mga tunay kong kaibigan. Dun ako nakakahinga. Dun ako nakakaiyak at nakakatawa ng sabay. Dun ako nagiging malaya. Walang pakialam sa oras, sa panahon, sa lugar. Sabi nga sa kanta ni pareng Ely, walang pakialam, sa araw at sa buwan.

Masaya ako nung gabing iyon. Kahit sobrang sakit nga kaliwang tenga ko. Masaya ako dahil muli kong nakasama ang isang kaibigang matagal na nawalay sakin. Masaya ako dahil nakahinga akong muli. Naging gaga ako ulit na hindi ko nagawa sa loob ng matagal na panahon, ng walang humuhusgang mata at saradong utak na nakikialam. Masaya ako dahil hindi ako naitali sa konsepto ng tama at mali. Kasama ko ang taong naiintingdinhan ang mga katarantaduhan ko sa buhay. Mula sa pagtataas ko ng paa sa upuan ng starbucks habang mukha na kong pugon sa pagyoyosi, hanggang sa paulit ulit kong pagrereklamo sa masalimuot kong lovelife.

Salamat Dino. Kung may magandang naihatid sa akin ang ALAB, ikaw yon at ang iyong pagkakaibigan. Salamat.


*sa march ay babalik si Dino para sya naman ang magpapabutas ng tenga at ako naman ang magpatattoo.

I wanna be a rockstar...With a TOYM award :)

I was talking (well, texting) with my friend Coco the other night and our conversation turned to our plans for the future, and it mademe ponder on what i relly want to do with my life. Hmm, well as the song goes, we all wanna be freakin rockstars, but i want mine with a twist, i want a TOYM award with it hehe.

Hmm, directions are easy to create and difficult to follow. I have a plan until i pass the bar exams, but after that, what? Well, who says i'll pass the bar? Hehe, sometimes, i'm frightened that i wont be able to meet my own standards. Like, what if i didnt qualify for this or that? What if i fail this exam or what if my depression strikes again? Well, thank God for blogs, this helped me a lot, knowing that people read my ramblings hehe.

I wanna be famous (who doesnt?). I wanna be known for my writing skills, though i think im still mediocre and i still need a million books to read, billions of articles to pick and gazillion things to ponder on. In God's time, i will get there. I wanna make a difference, like what i said, i wanna leave thi world a better place than when i first found it.

Ambitious? Oh well, we are all entitled to our own private world. Hehe...

By the way, i was talking to another friend Justine (uh, texting again :) about the desperation of the administration to keep their sanity, but the tactics they employ are really disgusting to the core. Justine asked, what will i do if gloria is still in power by 2010, i only have one logical answer in mind.

I'll go underground. Swear.

Stars and Starts

There are still a few more days left before we finally bid goodbye to 2007 (thank God). This year has been, err, not so good to me, losing your college best friend over something you stupidly did, losing your boyfriend, your party losing in the annual elections, discovering your so-called friends are, well, not your friends, being gossiped, and the list goes on. But hey, there are still some things that i should be thankful of that happened this year, so before I go on with the list of all the deleterious things that happened since day 1 of 2007, let me bring you to the few good, but definitely noteworthy, things that I experienced, gained, learned, in this chaotic year of the Fire Pig.

1. I got a Job that i definitely love- yep, even though its mentally taxing, i love my job, and this is the industry that i want to be in. Working in a magazine definitely gave me the chance to grow, go and glow, literally and figuratively :) i dont care about boxing out every morning to have a space (hahaha) in the mrt, i wont miss the chance to work in this field for the world.

2. Books, books and a lot of books! -- since i already have a job, i promised myself that every payday, i will buy 1 book. the first one i bought is Thus Spake Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzche (which has the same zodiac sign as i do :) which i gave to my best bud Justine (its too deep it wont fit in my reading schedule) and in exchange he gave me a copy of the Wuthering Heights by Charlotte Brontë. On my second payday i bought Veronica Decides to Die by Paolo Coelho. I bought it in the UP tiangge for an unbelievably low price, and its brand new! Beat that :) i also have in my shelf a book lent to me by my favorite professor Mr. Pedro Rabeje Jr., Bridges of Madisson County, Freakonomics and Imelda and the Clans. Yeah, books are priceless to me, and my life-long dream is to own a private library, and im on my way to making it come to reality (ahehehe).Next on my list: Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

3. Lose some, Gain some -- yeah i discovered i had a whole lot of superficial friends, but there are people who never left me in times of pain and suffering and torment. So thank you Justine, Kerwin, Ejjay, Lylwyn, Dino, Coco, Sunshine. Also, my new found friend whom i only met once in person, Dimples, who introduced me to Sandino, my, err, special friend.

4. Lessons Learned -- this might have to be discussed in another entry as i have a very looooooooooong lists under this category, first one is DONT RUSH! Everything will fall into place in the right time, or rather, in God's blessed time. Next is, love with all your heart but don't expect for any reciprocity, you'll just end up getting hurt. Dont get obsessed, for it will be fatal for both parties. And most importantly, learn to love yourself. You cannot give what you dont have, right?

5. Financial stability -- i may not be earning as much as i used to earn in the call center, but i can
say that i am more in control of my finances now than i was back then. I now manage to help my family, buy the things i want to buy, keep a savings account and there is still enough left for my daily allowance. Truly, its not how much you earn, its how much you spend :) so now i only buy the things i need, and do away with the not-so-necessary items. living with my family also helps a lot.

6. My newly revived spirituality -- i now go to mass every Sunday (sometimes in our parish, sometimes in UP). I also managed to wake up at 3am for Simbang Gabi! Too bad i wasn't able to complete it (i missed the 5th due to fact that i woke up late and 6th morning because i was chilling with fever) but nonetheless i enjoy being closer to my creator when i pray.

7. Graduation -- welcome to the real world honey, i already finished my bachelor's degree after four long, happy, tumultuous, chaotic years. Now I'm already a certified political scientist nyahahahaha :) goodbye sir apostol :(

8. Map of my World -- now i know what i want to be, what i will be, what i will do in order to achieve it. This October i will enroll for my masters degree in Political Science, finish it in 2 years, and then fly to Singapore for my masters in Public Policy. Hopefully i pass the scholarship. And then, off to law school. Marriage can wait. But that wont mean I wont entertain boyfriends hahaha joke. I wanna have a long and stable and steady relationship.

9. I spoke to my IDOL!!! -- Randy David, no less. I never thought a man as important and as intelligent as he is would waste time answering my email. And when he did, my respect for him only grew more. See you in UP Idol :)

10. I'm still alive! -- after all the heartbreaks and heartaches and suicide attempts, thank God I'm still alive and breathing. Like what Friedrich Nietzche said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so i guess i'm stronger now, not to mention wiser, and more patient. i now know how to wait.

11. I'm now part of the royal El Consejo De Los Dioses (hahahahaha) -- being an alumni of my only party Ang Lakas at Boses ng mga Sebastino, i am now a proud and active member of the said group hahahaha with the rank of a goddess hahahahahahahahahahahaha

What a year that was...

Still, after everything that happened, i only have GOD to thank for all the blessings despite the many crazy and stupid things i've done in '07. Right now, i can't outrightly say that i am bursting with happiness, but i'm happy enough to face a new day and not happy enough not to search for new surprises, adventure and challenges, personal or otherwise. I think i have to go back to my old self, the Angel who is not afraid to take risks and not afraid of getting hurt and burned. I think i'm in the process of being so.

Like what luz irigaray, a feminist philosopher,said, "we must remain virginal." Meaning, we should allow ourselves to experience something for the first time, allow ourselves to be surprised once in a while, allow ourselves to be kids when we feel like it. Life has full of surprises, and many of it is for you. So go ahead and prove that your tougher than tough! Because that is my next personal assignment :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to ALL!!!